Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is all about showing love and appreciation to your loved ones. You might have seen a lot of self-love themed marketing campaigns, where companies try to sell you jewellery, skincare, flowers, chocolates, all to treat yourself. This is one way of showing yourself appreciation, yes, but there are a million other ways, less expensive, less big grand gestures, that we incorporate into our daily lives and show ourselves daily self-love.
Self-Compassion vs Self-Love
Recently, I wrote a blog post about mindful self-compassion, meaning giving ourselves exactly what we need in that moment and being our own best friend instead of enemy. However, self-love is different from self-compassion, Whereas self-compassion is more about compassion towards ourself, self-love is all about showing yourself appreciation!
In psychology, self-love is known to not be selfish, but necessary to have a healthy relationship with yourself (even in times of failure) while impacting others positively as well.
“It all starts with you! If you are not in a good place, characterised by balance, compassion, and inner peace, you are likely in no position to do your best work or be the best partner, parent, or friend that you can be.”Courtney Ackerman, PositivePsychology.com
Benefits & the Why of Self-Love
Showing ourselves compassion and appreciation in the difficult moments is important because it helps us overcome it. A mindful approach would be: I acknowledge these feelings that I have, and I remain curious and open about them, while soothing myself knowing I am not alone in this, knowing this will not last forever, and I give myself what I feel is best for me in that moment,
The benefits of self-love range from protection against depression, greater happiness, more motivation in life to healthy relationships, and the list goes on.
Self-Love & the 5 Love Languages
As I mentioned before, self-love does not have to be a great, grand gesture, buying yourself something or spending money on something necessarily. There are 5 love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch and acts of service, If your love language is mainly gifts, then it would make sense if you’re happy buying yourself gifts. We all have a mixture of love languages, some might have been influenced by our childhood: how other people showed us love. Figuring out your love languages can help you navigate through relationships and understand the other person better, but it can also help you in practising self-love.
What is your biggest love language? How can you show that to yourself?
For example, mine are words of affirmation and quality time, therefore I love to schedule out some me-time, doing things I love or that make me feel good (spa night, manicure, cooking myself dinner, meditating, journaling,…) speaking of journalling, that goes into the “words of affirmation bucket, as I love to write myself a love letter, and also state affirmation in front of the mirror. its like shooting an arrow and hitting it right into the bullseye: giving yourself exactly what you value so much in other relationships.
The Little, Big Things
But let’s talk about the smaller, yet as important, ways on which we can incorporate self-love into our daily lives. Taking care of ourselves and our space is highly underrated.
Making your bed
Making your bed is a keystone habit, meaning it reflects other choices you take in life and it heightened your discipline, and reflects even your financial situation: it is one of the most important habits and also. way of showing yourself love: keeping the space where you rest, which is *highly* important, a safe and neat space.
Put your health and wellbeing first
Yesterday I had my annual dentist’s appointment, and I realised this is also a way of taking care of ourselves and showing ourselves that we are worth it, that we care about ourselves. You would not let someone you love abandon their health, would you? You would encourage them to take care of it. Even these less glamorous moments are the ones that count.
Making sure you drink enough water, get your vitamins, move your body, take care of your overall health and wellbeing is a great way to show yourself love on a daily basis without having to make big gestures.
Take care of your mental health, too
Mindfulness has drastically changed my life for the better, helping me overcome my severe anxiety, and it was also a way of self-love. I was taking medication doctors prescribed me against the anxiety, but actually I was not at all handling the root cause: my mind. I was trying to fix my body. But then, who knows for how long I would have taken those pills if it wasn’t for mindfulness? It was an investment of money, time and effort, going through an 8 week MBSR course (Mindfulness Bases Stress Reduction), but the benefits are here for a whole lifetime, as I continue to expand my mindfulness skills and am now teaching it, 6 years later.
Of course, I am not saying mindfulness can resolve any mental health issue or disease, so please talk to a health care professional first. I am just sharing my experience on this. Even a couple minutes of meditation a day is incredibly beneficial to you, and to reap those benefits all you have to do is schedule a bit of me-time during your day.
Release the guilt
As I mentioned before, it is necessary we give ourselves what we need in that specific moment. Whether that is a nap, a dessert, a video call with a friend, or a good run. But sometimes, we have this voice in our head judging us and making us feel guilty for having that ice-cream, binge-watching that show, skipping a run because we feel tired, etc. Releasing the guilt of not doing something is crucial here.
Imagine a friend is very tired from work, and they do not feel like going on a run with you. They are completely drained and much rather rest at home. Your reaction would not be: you are weak, you have to go for a run, how dare you rest, you need to move? No, your reaction would probably be: that is okay I totally understand, take all the rest you need.
So, why it is so difficult to have this approach to ourselves? It all has to do with self-talk and the way we look at ourselves. If we can bring in more of that appreciation and compassion, we can slowly by slowly change our self-talk and actually allow ourselves to do what feels right. I will discuss this further in the next chapter “self talk”.
Because, as with many things in life, restriction leads to binging. If we cannot have something, we want it so much more. While giving yourself what you need, that occasional ice cream (for example) is not a total distaster and you enjoy it mindfully and guilt-free.
We are the person we talk to the most in our lives.
How do you talk to yourself? How do you see yourself? How would you like to see yourself? What would it take for you to see yourself that way?
I discussed this in my previous post about self-compassion: 1 component of mindful self-compassion is going from self-judgment to self kindness. We are our biggest critics. Sure, this protects us and this helps us in improving and being our own best selves, but it can also bring us down, make us feel small, helpless, a victim.
Instead of going that direction, notice it is *only* your inner critic judging you, and that you know better. You do not have to listen to it, you have to be aware of it. In that moment of awareness, you create space. Space for you to choose: will I get caught up in what my inner citric has to tell me, or will I say: not today?
As with a lot of things in life, the first step of being more kind to yourself and show yourself more self-love, compassion and appreciation, is becoming aware. Becoming aware of what your love language is, of how you talk to yourself, how you treat yourself, how you take care of yourself. That is where mindfulness steps in and helps us becoming aware on a non-judgmental, curious way.
If you’re curious right now about mindfulness, download my free e-book A Guide to Mindful Living here, or check out other blogposts about mindfulness. Listen to my podcast about mindful living and purposeful traveling during your next run, walk or commute, and let me know what you found of it!
Sending lots of love, and remember to be kind to yourself this Valentines day and any other day!